Only by Grace

I've always been amazed at how the bible reveals so much of Him and of us; always hitting the very core of our human sinfulness, revealing satan's constant desire to draw us away from God, and God's character and greatness. The past few weeks of bible studies have been thought provoking and in various ways urged me to live a life that God wants me to live while waiting for His return. To be assured that He and His kingdom is triumphant and to trust and depend on Him always by putting Him first in our lives. To bring all man to Christ in faith and maturity, that He may be our God and we His children.

However, it is and has never been a joy-ride, but a slow and difficult climb as i learn how hard it is to "carry the cross". Nevermind the external factors which makes it even harder. I believe God will ask me when i meet Him face to face, what is the condition of my heart rather than who or what has caused the condition of my heart to be in such a state. Have i been a good testimony and witness for Him? I very much want my answer to be "Yes", but i can't bring myself in all honesty and sincerity to say that.. but to admit with a miserable mumble and low-hung head that "No, i haven't". This constant tugging at my heart has often made me feel what a wretched person i am. God has done so much and yet how unchanged my life is. Will an outsider see the difference, that i am changed and set apart for Him? I cannot answer that... This coupled with busyness and the convenient "my immediate boss is so immature, so predictably unpredictable, poor manager, plays on her team members' emotions, unable to let go, doesn't help us feel like a team/develop our potentials etcetc" blame-it-on-my-boss attitude has caused my spiritual well-being to take a dive and me to enter into depression with a "everything oso dun care" attitude. I really want to go into solitude or go some where far on my own. To get a breather and freshen up. I have been pushing the blame to others and i suspect a little blame on God for giving me such a tough emotional roller-coaster ride to go through. I mean the "God i think i can be a better person if only you gave me an easier life" thought that i cannot deny has flickered across my mind at times. Yet Lord, where and how can i stand before you? My heart has grown cold, my eyes have strayed, resentment and depression overshadows the path that leads me to you, instability rocks the boat of peace and trust, my ears hear more unhappy inputs that bring more unrest. I have not set my heart of faith on you whose greatness and sovereignty far surpasses all things that i know, see and hear. I have not set my eyes on the cross on which you have given me new life. I have not set my hope on the kingdom and life that you have promised me so clearly in the bible. I have not listened with ears that hear. Lord i cannot stand before you on the day of judgement for i am but a wretched sinner. Who can stand before Your Righteousness? But only by grace am i saved. Only by grace and mercy...

What kind of love is this

What kind of love is this

What kind of love is this
That gave itself for me
I am the guilty one
Yet I go free
What kind of love is this
A love I've never known
I didn't even know His name
What kind of love is this

What kind of man is this
That died in agony
He who had done no wrong
Was crucified for me
What kind of man is this
Who laid aside His throne
That I may know the love of God
What kind of man is this

By grace I have been saved
It is the gift of God
He destined me to be His son
Such is His love
No eye has ever seen
No ear has ever heard
Nor has the heart of man conceived
What kind of love is this

Bryn & Sally Haworth
Copyrigh (c) 1983 Bella Music Ltd

Hidden in the crowd

Once upon a time, there was a girl who was hidden in the crowd, trying to walk in little steps for fear that big ones will cause her to trip and stumble over somebody in the crowd. She knew she was heading towards a certain direction, to the voice that reached her ears above the noise of the crowd. But she could not see as she was too tiny and the crowd was huge and they pushed her in all directions. She longed to have the path before her cleared so that she may see the person from whom the voice spoke wise words. She longed to get closer to him. All of the sudden, she found that the crowd had given way to her left and right and she could see the man who walked towards her. Shivering with fear and delight, she knew not what to do. So she tried to hide herself back in the crowd. However, the man held her hand and said: "Do not be afraid. I have paved the path for you so that the crowd will not lead you astray and you may see who i am and come to me. Follow me for i will guide you and hold you close to me."

Priority

During lunch today, my friends and i had one of those rare refreshing conversations we have not had ever since we started work. We acknowledged how work often fills our conversations and crowds out the many other rich personal conversations which dwell more deeply on interests, relationships, activities, thoughts, feelings etc. As we continued our conversation, interestingly enough it brought us to how the attitudes to work should be and how work is not and should not be the ultimate priority in our life. While my friend mentioned the other priorities in her life being family and friends amongst other things, it brought to mind the bible study i just had yesterday and the week before. There are many things we hold dear to and many things which we give priority to. And there must be something truly important to that of life and death that should be our priority. Surely something that counts for eternity ought to mean something worth pondering over. I personally believe that the person who is eternity in itself - God is the most important thing that many of us fail to see and acknowledge. As we look beyond our minute, unimportant selves which sorely need a good ego deflation and a pair of myopic glasses, surely we must acknowledge the greatness of the creation creator. If we care to search the depths of our heart and see the darkness within, then the one who is righteous and pure should gain our utmost respect. If that person is the only one worthy to judge and bestow grace and mercy, then I suppose that means whether i am spared of the punishment i so rightly deserve hinges on this one person. There is such a person and he is God himself who spared us of the punishment of eternal death in hell for the promise of eternal life with him by taking our punishment upon himself. He is the one who deserves to be our utmost priority. It is a hard call... difficult when there are many things we feel that are more important, things we depend on to see us through our days. But if this is true, then he must be our priority. He must be our all.

Christmas photos

realize i haven't been posting anything constructive...

...

I'm taking leave... 2 precious days! for PUNJ CAMP! yay...

since my 2 days of leave has been announced many times in my workplace, i shall take joy in it and say once again... I'm thankful for the 2 days leave... even though i may have to face the music when i start work again on monday. I'm thankful for the break from work. I'm thankful to Him who is the most impt person of all, for the chance to take a rest and spend time with the punjers and bb/gb kids. I'm thankful that there are no major pressing issues at work though i may have some probs... oh dear oh dear... this must stop. the stress from wondering abt work and whether i'm doing the right thing and whether there'll be a storm... this must stop. Work is not the be all and end all. It should not engulf me such that it affects my walk with God, my personal time and my character. Yet i must admit that most of my complaints and issues to be dealt with are work related. Even now, i'm blogging abt it. =P Haiz... this is bad. "Dear God, please help me in this area... To be responsible, upright, wise in speech and actions in my workplace... To balance work and other parts of me well such that none is forsaken, especially u..." i really don't want to keep worrying abt work. It is most frustrating and makes me self-centred and self-pityful. It is disgusting. That's why i don't really like to start talking abt work coz i don't like to burden pple and it somehow makes me think more abt it...

What is the measure of working right and being a Christian who works well under God's authority? I'm looking forward to the camp's workshop on work and studies.. if i'm going for it.. hhahhaha... hmm actually this is not something i haven't heard before or been in workshops in. However, it is easy to know and have the head knowledge but it is another thing to practice what we know. haiz... in short, what does it mean in practical terms?

anywayz... i've strayed from my original intention of writing in this post... just these words:

YAY! It is LEAVE and HOLIDAYS time! IT IS PUNJ CAMP!!!!

okie. it is fin. i'm going to bed and pack for the camp tml =P

Today's a day of rest for me.. FINALLY...

But.. what shall i do with it?

It is weird having no where to rush, no work to think about... nothing... just enjoying time... spending time with my family... even frying a simple french toast... it is just surreal... haha...

Rest... what shall i do with it?

Sleep... slept early last night... nice...

Rest...day.. what shall i do with it?

Blog... actually... it is weird blogging now... don't really know what to write... can't really tell whether my life has become an open book where all except me can tell what's going on, or i've become closed with a veil covering my heart...

Rest... what... shall... i ... do?

Pray... read the bible... spend quiet time... it is said that to rest is to rest in Him. but what does that mean? to know him? to tell him all my troubles, my fears, my hopes, my joys? to be more like him by praying for others? to enjoy this relationship that was once broken but now by his grace and mercy... bridged. mended. when he has given so much... what have i to give? my all... yet even on a day of rest, it is of such a low priority... =(

School of life

Thought i'll share about a School of Life that has been stuck on my desk and collecting dust for a couple of years...

Are you tired, bored or frustrated with your school life?
Welcome to Jesus' school of Discipleship.
Where the prerequisites for entry are not grades or achievements or money, but a willing and sacrificial heart.
Where school has no starting and ending hours, but runs 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Where the school ground is not a building, but life itself.
Where the lessons are taught not with books and pens and pencils, but with the events and happenings of everyday life.
Where nothing is extra-curricular, for everything in life is curricular.
Where there is only one Textbook, and it is never outdated, never wrong, and you can never finish understanding it.
Where the qualities looked out for are not intelligence, strength and self-confidence, but weakness, humility and brokenness.
Where the outcomes for diligence are not grades, awards and honours, but more humility, peace and joy.
Where you don't have to pay school fees, but all your basic needs are provided for.
Where you will never work, nor struggle, nor suffer, alone.
Where you don't have to make appointments with teachers for help, but help is always present.
Where tests don't come periodically, but every day, every minute, every moment.
Where passing a test doesn't mean that you will be praised, but it means that you will be humbled.
Where failing a test doesn't mean that you will be kicked out, but you will still be smiled at, encouraged, and given another chance.
Where the goal of tests is not to give you empty grades, but lasting character.
Where the rules of the school do not need to be enforced, but are willingly obeyed.
Where you are never forced to conform, but are truly set free to be yourself.
Where work is not a chore, but a joy.
Where work is not filed and thrown away after it has been marked, but lasts and bears fruit to eternity in heaven.
Where things never get monotonous or routine or meaningless, but everyday brings a new adventure.
Where you are not taught how to merely survive and get by in this world, but how to make a real lasting difference.
Where you will not be changed from the outside in, but from the inside out.
Where the higher you progress, the lower you must go.
Where not the worst students, but the best students, suffer.
Where the marks of a true student are not success and achievements, but love and suffering.
Where you will have to give up everything, but somehow will gain everything back - and more.
Where you only graduate from the school when your life ends, but it is a fantastic graduation beyond description.
Where the overarching principle of it all is not success or ranking, but LOVE.
And where meeting the Principal is not the greatest fear of every student, but the greatest joy, and literally something to die for.
Are you interested in enrolling?

"If anyone desires to come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whoever who desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it." Matthew 16: 24-25

questions

This post will be a series of questions.... questions that i've been thinking about, questions i find hard to answer... and questions perhaps you can try to answer...

1) What do you do when you've only 1 day a week to spare?

2) What will you do when the people around you and you yourself are stressed and rushing around?

a. smile brightly and bring a smile to pple's faces so they won't bark at you
b. hum
c. fret and look a mess
d. pray
e. complain/vent frustration on others

3) How much of your time do/should you spend on work/people?

4) What are we doing right now with our lives? Am living it as i should?

5) What will i do if i were down and out... will i keep trusting and holding on to the promises of my Lord and God... the one who remains faithful from alpha to omega?

updates updates

heh... i know it has been a looong time since i last blogged. thanks guys for asking and still coming to find out if there's movement ahaha... there have been a few reasons for my silence... firstly, coz i'm juz too tired most days to switch on my comp when i reach home juz in time to eat, wash and sleep. manz am i gonna grow a huge tummy soon hahah... i've also attempted to write some stuff when i'm finally at my comp, but by the time i've read some blogs, and clicked the "create post", i'm in a blank. with words just stuck and eyes-a-rolling to dreamland. bleah. another reason is that there's been many things that have been happening, and things i'm still trying to get used to. things that fill my mind and make me silent.

okie wow. juz my reasons for not blogging alone took up a number of lines =P maybe i can get the hang of it by the end of this post haha...

argh. you know what?? there are 5 main things that i wanna talk abt. but it is like some brainstorming session that's in a mess. ya noe, those words that pop up and you write 'em down... like this:

woRk RelaTionships... sAlt friends goal Purpose
time punj why? sian. Pain mask.....
Cabaret... precious drain show Stresssss sandwich
wAlL sob.... Joy biscuits.

and the list goes on =P

so if you're wondering what i'm driving at with this jumble of words, here goes.

1) Work

Yes. the work which most pple don't know abt and needn't know abt... and for pple who have been asking "how's work?" well, work hasn't been smooth sailing. it's been a tremendously tiring and bumpy journey so far. and before you think i'm gonna enter into a groaning mode hahah.... well, i'll love to... but nah...i'll mix you up with a cup of thanksgiving and a cup of grumbling =P i'm thankful i enjoyed the first 2 weeks of slack. for the grind that came from then on is painful and a drain on my health and relationships. i was pretty depressed and stressed for a couple of weeks. with clients and pple barking and chasing... having to be on my toes and dancing to other pple's tune... having to know how to do stuff and ask the right questions at the right time... having to remember stuff despite the multitasking that is required... and one thing that bothered me much was why? why do some pple have to go through different treatments? what makes pple like or dislike others? why is there office politics in almost every job? almost everyday i have to remind myself and be reminded that this is the day that the Lord hath made, that He is sovereign over all things, and that i've to be a salt and light even here, not losing my saltiness. HAIZ. yesh. i've been sighing alot at my workstation. huge HAIZ. hahaha... helps me relieve stress you know hehehe... However, i'm thankful for the friends that came in with me, and the friends i found who encouraged me, cheered me up and listened to me. heh though i normally keep mum about my worries and stuff and seriously zip up in silence when i'm in a super worried/thoughtful mood. I thank God too for the understanding, support and prayer from my family and friends, who've been tirelessly asking me whether i'm having lunch, dinner (mostly biscuits which we're all getting sick of *puke* hehe), coming home early, etc; leaving food for me, waiting up for me, encouraging me, and keeping me sane and focused on things that really matter in life.

2) Cabaret

oooh yeah! managed to rush to the musical last saturday with my 2 friends heh... and yeah wasn't in the right mind to enjoy something which i normally greatly enjoy. but nvm that. it was hmm not exactly fantastic. =P it was hmm how should i put it? explicit? heh. and the props weren't that fantastic too... the singing and acting was okie... but heh as one of the songs went, life is but a cabaret, they were trying hard to smile and liven the atmosphere with a show within a show. though the plot wasn't that clear, the thing that impacted me was the whole performance and cabaret of life that the world goes through. everyone seems to be putting on a mask/an act for survival, which seems particularly striking during a war and in the working environment. another takeaway was that despite the sinful pleasures in life, they are short lived and don't really matter. no matter how glorious, colourful, bright or justified we try to make them, they still form part of a downward spiral in life. sooo i wonder whether my tombstone will read: "was a wonderful actress, who made the cabaret her life"? hmmm... *ponders*

3) Relationships

friendships and kinships have been neglected even more since i started work. =P sorry... not something i like doing - neglecting pple... but something that is affected when i'm overwhelmed by the many things that i've to learn to handle. and i do go into withdrawal on and off for the purpose of re-charging. another relationship issue that has cropped up increasingly over the years by different pple is that of being in a 'couple' relationship since some pple don't like the word bgr. =P why do pple enter into a relationship? why do pple [oh no. at this point, i'm starting to enter into the sleepy dreamland zone! argh. can't think properly. quick quick quick!] okie... so despite all the books and little conversations, i still am a little fuzzy wuzzy abt this whole issue like how do pple become attached, why do pple become attached, what do pple look out for, and why... why some just don't work out? like hmm after all the effort, emotions, and stuff that has been put in, fewer time spent with others, etc, it must be an extremely heart wrenching thing to find that at the end of the day, things just can't be what we hoped for... and afterall, who can we depend on for a lasting relationship but Him who has been faithful throughout the ages? hmm... yeah... i'm clueless... and maybe a little apprehensive abt all these things... and yesh i don't know what i'm talking about now... fuzzy wuzzy is the word.

4) Precious life

Every moment spent with family and friends is and should be a blessing. Who knows how long we will live and whenst ailments may take us away? For now we may be healthy and take things for granted; the next, struggling to hang on, be strong and make ends meet. Life is precious indeed. For us who believe in Christ - of His merciful forgiving act in taking our punishment of death, and of the hope of eternal life with Him - looking forward to seeing Him face to face one day may make such pain more bearable. But since we are still here on earth, i guess we shouldn't take life for granted... how am i treating the pple around me? how am i loving them? have i been spending effective time with them? have i been doing my part in sharing the precious gospel with pple whom i care about? am i even thinking about and acting upon the word and work of God? Life is precious. am i living it as i should be?

5) ministry

i don't often talk about ministries or what i serve in/do in the busy life i've had... but yeah... i think it is pretty exciting working with pple who love God and who want to use what little they have to serve His people. (though it makes me feel a little guilty at times haha for not putting in as much enthusiasm or effort in being part of the ministries both in CF and church heh...) i'm also glad that we've the freedom in serving in different ways, both big and small so that we can try our hand at different stuff and do our part in loving one another in practical ways. =) i do find it a continual challenge in living a life that's pleasing to Him, and guiding pple in knowing more about God and us through His word and living it out is an upheaval task that much prayer is needed indeed...

haha okie so i've sorta finished my posting for today. i'm looking forward to having a good night's rest... a wednesday off coz of Singapore's Birthday =) ... a time with friends taking photographs again... seeing a new baby... and hmm friday and the weekend!!!!

Commencement Ceremony

Days gone by

Days gone by
Greetings turned to goodbyes
Youthful energy sapped with the passing of time
Pink glow of health faded by ailments at unexpected times

Days gone by
When did it ever go by?
What was future and present now past...
Why did it not knock each time it passed?

Days gone by
Joyful remembrance or a regretful sigh?
Will the bloom of yesteryears
Droop in a multitude of fears?

Days gone by
Cannot turn back time nor cry
Only live every moment without a sigh
Look to the one to whom million years are but a day gone by

beauty sleep

and here i am... juz sitting around... in d quiet of d night... thinking abt stuff...

with the ticking of d clock... half past midnight... ....

it is late!!!!!!! YaaaAAAaaaaWWwwwwnnnnnn ...

yeah it is late for me now =P can't take late nights these days... am i getting old?? or is it coz i know i gotta wake up early the next day and wanna store up on rest?

but tonight's special. =)

it is Friday... Friday night =) plus i don't have to go to work tomorrow! =) *sorry, i can't stop smiling at this =)* there are a couple of things i wanna TGIF for.

1) He saw me through my first week of work =) 2) It is not that stressful yet 3) I got to meet up with some PUNJers during d week! imagine... 4) my immediate supervisor seems pretty nice 5) some uni friends in d same workplace 6) getting to know colleagues 7) i got to be home for dinners most days =) 8) my dad's most loving transport hahah... impt for talking time, QT, sleep, n poor feet! 9) all the best wishes upon starting work hahha... appreciate that =) oh. i realised it is more than a couple of thanksgiving oh well... aLOt of thanksgiving then =)

heh. hmmm. heh. guess what. i actually wanted to check mails, read blogs, chat, and update on stuff like camp, work etc... but i'm already in a 3/4s screen-saver mode =P so i've decided to head for slumber land. goodnight :)

Konichiwa!

make them strong n healthy ... morning exercise?

d kids r sooo cute!!! like lil ducklings!!!

one of d many scenes of calm n beauty

waterfall from melted snow...

Food, Food, and more FOod... breakfast, lunch... dinner...

to Japan

i'm off to Japan! cyaz after! for now, i'll leave ya with some photos...


SDE BBQ @ ECP =) Try looking for moi



DND... d remnants of BRE2002/2003 cohort??

reflections

heyz... i love the time when i can juz sit back and reflect on what's happening especially when things get too chaotic and i get too exhausted to think. =) amongst what i've been thinking about are studies, work, material things, and yes... life's purpose.

it is pretty weird coming to a break in my studies and exams for now, after being in an academic environment for more than 16 years. what is it like to finally enter the working world as a permanent salary earning errrmmm adult? will i be able to accustom myself to working in an environment filled with people of diverse backgrounds, backstabbing where competition and insecurities heat up, and lotsa Over Time? will i be able to perform for what i'm paid to do? will i bend according to the wind or will i remain firmly rooted and upright? will i throw in the towel before i even give myself and the job a worthy try? these are just some questions i've been silently musing over, and yet trying to shove under the carpet for fear it sounds pure pessimistic and stumbling before i even start work. yesh. i'm starting work on the 12th of june 2006. my first permanent job. heh and i am quite excited and mixed about the whole thing... how does one describe the feelings and thoughts that fleet by in moments of insecurity, uncertainty, and yet joy and anticipation like a little girl looking forward to a promised adventure just around the corner?

it is not just about work. it is about how i'm gonna walk from here... i'm worried about my walk with God in terms of being influenced by the attitudes and ways of the working world, and whether i've the time, energy and heart to do quiet time and serve... i.e. whether God will be in the centre of my life. you know, people ask what is my plan and what dreams and aspirations do i have? and what can i say? i'm in a dilemma for part of me wants to think and do according to the world by working and upgrading in terms of professionalism and further studies and perhaps further down the road when i'm old and grey to do little things like learning more skills and setting up an inn with home cooked stuff hahaha... perhaps. the other part of me wonders whether those plans are my own selfish desires and if He is at the centre of it all... the driving force behind them... i'm ashamed to say that more often than not, He isn't. haiz... where have those thoughts and desires to do something as a lifelong mission for Him who has given me life gone? be it going to a foreign land or right here, can i and will i live in obedience and worship? there are juz so many things i've failed in, things i cannot do and things i'm struggling with... but Lord, i hope and pray that i'll be able listen with my ears and watch/see with my eyes for whatever you've placed in my path... and help me trust in you. sigh... it is soooo difficult!!!!! argh.

unofficial graduation

Last official day in school!!!

egg zams

Exam period craziness... eh... representing, from left to right, bu 2nd, 4th, and 3rd year?

will i wait for you?

when my closest friends have run on ahead... i wanna know will i wait for you.
when they go out with beautiful girls instead, tell me now will i wait for you.
will i wait for you.......... the promise i've made to you years ago was true...

just heard this song by perry and the poorboys. i sorta thought of some stuff...

when the people around me go for the things of this world, will i run with them after these same things?

when the people around me define meaning in life by their other half, career, studies, wealth... will i define my life as such?

when the people around me have gone ahead to find someone juz so they won't be lonely, will i fret and run along too?

when i've spent my days running around, will i still remember... remember what i've promised you, to give my all to you?

when years down the road, i've somehow lost sight of the starting point and the vision becomes blurred with the perspiration and the heat, will i still see the finish line?

oh that i may remember you and not lose my way in the jungle of a zillion things... that the path you've set before me years ago on that rocky road to the cross will still be clear that i may follow it through.

shooo

i think the bird likes me. it wants to play with me. *roll eye*

it played "catch me if you can" today, waited til i was out of sight before coming... and fluffed its feathers like a proud/angry peacock when i stood with hands on hip daring it to come in.

shoo!!! go away! don't you ever come again! but seems like the bird thinks this is its home... and wants us as its owner. =P roasted bird anyone? nah... never could bear do it haha... no matter how angry it makes me haha... i still clean up its dirty business. argh. puke. talk about bird flu.