The diary

Tonight, I watched the last episode of a hong kong serial filled with opium, triads, friendship, love, war and death. My current love for passion-filled, action-packed dramas. The director chose to have a bitter-sweet ending harping on the memories that the friends have. From the reading of the diary at the memorial service, to flashes of events and emotions... One can't help but say... Yes... They have lived their lives to the fullest and with no regrets as they have loved, cherished, encouraged, spurred and met their loved ones.

Age it seems, and life for that matter seems to be catching up with me these days. Reality hits home that life has its happiest moments, and it's saddest. It has it's brightest beams of light, and it's darkest. Life on this earth will come to an end one day.

What then will I have as memories... Or what memories do I want to leave for those left behind? A lifetime of good deeds and activities, or a lifetime of joy, tears, struggles, self-discovery and the strength, love and hope that has brought me through thus far? I think the latter was the reason I named this blog a treasure trove. Not because I feel that my musings are much to consider, but because it was meant to show the treasures and riches that God has given me in my life. Life without God... Is no life at all. For by Him, through Him and for Him am I made. This I cannot yet phantom. But I know that everything is in His hands... To Him be all glory and praise. This is what I want the world to know.

Carry me

God has called me to lift my eyes to Jesus & press on to my home in
heaven.. But while I'm waiting for my saviour Jesus who clothed me
with glory... Oh i am filled with weakness.. Oh I forget my way..
Carry me in your arms cover me with your shelter.. lift me up so I
can see give me eyes that seek your face..

Lord, as the song says, we are weak.. But i know you are strong & have
overcome.. We forget our way but you are our guide.. We find it hard
to trust in others & ourselves.. For it is a life full of failure that
we see. But lord, lift our eyes to you that our hearts & minds be
unswerving.

No point...

It's ironic that my name's filled with intonations of the grace & gift
of God.. When I so often find it hard to be thankful to Him for my
existence.

What's the point of existing when I'm not a colourful person? Often
giving people awkwardness as to what to say or converse with me. How
hard I try to be fun & full of words that flow out of my mouth but the
words just don't? What's the point of trying to make the other
comfortable when i'm in turmoil inside? Maybe it's just me.. Maybe
there's no point.. Maybe... I should just be a hermit. Maybe I
shouldn't have existed.

What's the point of living when there's no fun & nothing to do? When
everything seems meaningless? What's the point of being with someone
you don't enjoy? No point..

But why God? Why? Why did you make me such? Why do I have to go thru
things normal girls don't? Why can't I be like the popular girls with
lots of admiration & whose lives seem perfect? I'm tired of trying to
carry my burden after all these years. I'm tired of having to be like
those girls. I'm tired of trying to be steady & dependable. I'm tired.

Trapped

Plans have been made, tickets booked, conferences arranged & wedding
invitations sent. Life in this fast paced & high tech age is all of
one word: efficiency. All planned & done in clock-work precision.

The volcano decided to erupt, spewing forth massive cloud dust of ash.
The earth decided to rumble & crack, tumbling buildings that were
meant to be secure. The waves decided to become monstrous & swallow
everything in its way.

What can we say but that all the prevention & precaution of man & all
our planning is still subject to many unforseen circumstances? Can you
say that you'll be around tomorrow? That life on earth will still be
the same years ahead? Will Jesus Christ come tomorrow or will he not?
What man plans & presupposes, no matter how great man & his inventions
may be, is still subject to God. What foolishness & pride have we that
we plan & predict the future but give no weight to what we've been
clearly shown. The christ who is the turning point in history.

But what then is the meaning of life & the gift of man to work,
create, procreate, plan & use his gifts? If nothing is within our
control? Be shrewd therefore, & put all these to good use whilst
waiting for him to return. Be alert & know that he may come at any
hour. Live, not die, for he came to seek & save the lost & call the
living from the dead. For grace he has shown & by grace we must live.
Not as the dead who think they can control their lives, but as the
living who live with bated breath waiting for all to be made
perfect... In his time.

Vanity

Living in vain with nothing to gain.
Nothing can I add or minus to make me less a pain & living less in vain.
Why live & live it up to the max when nothing in my hand I can contain?
My own thoughts & tongue like fire uncontained?
Have mercy on me my Lord you who have made it plain.
Your grace & wisdom I cannot phantom but you've shown your mercy all
the same.
Everything in your hand is contained.
My living without you is all in vain.

What is the reason of joy for you?

What is the fuss about the birth of a baby boy?
With years of celebration of such great of joy?
Why should we care about this person we do not know?
Or are we just being happy about something coz the world says so?
Bright lights and cheerful music we have heard,
But the reason for the joy of a special birth how many have heard?
Can a God be born as a mortal on earth?
Can He have a humble birth?
Can different people speak of someone thousands of years before He was born?
That coz of Him the word the light has dawned?
Who is He who doesn't rule with weapons or money?
Whose words stab the hearts of many?
Who is He that we should celebrate His birth?
When to death He walked to His enemy's mirth?
If only that that death was His purpose,
And from death He arose?
Why should we care at all unless He died for us?
Why should we care at all unless we know why He died for us?
What is the reason of joy for you?

Can I change?

I've been reading a book titled "You Can Change" by Tim Chester. My reading has been slow. I was drawn to this book as its title sounds like a self-help book which one can find in a good bookshop. Though I knew that this was a Christian book about God's transforming power as the sub-title is quick to qualify, I wanted to know how different this book is from the books I've read on similar topics like this. I was skeptical... "Can the leopard change its spots?" "Do we have the ability to change?" "How come Christians claim to be changed by having Christ in their lives but there seems to be little changed for the better?"....

This book is relatively easy on the eye and easy to read. However, with many real life experiences and encounters the author brings to mind the realities of sin in each one of us. He drives home the seriousness of sin starting from how mankind has broken and distorted the image of God by his rebellion against God. He then builds up the glory and power of God in restoring man's relationship with him through his son Jesus Christ, the goodness and sufficiency of God that we need not fear or look else where apart from God for sufficiency. Tim Chester also puts forth the importance of community in helping one another live in obedience to God. There are many other points in the book which I recommend you to read.

Even as I read this book these past few months, I am constantly faced with the struggles in my life just as before. I still sinned, I still trudged and stumbled, I still questioned why I can't seem to change. It was very frustrating!! But just as the book isn't a self-help book where it is guaranteed that our lives will be changed dramatically, it was a constant reminder of how much we need Christ, why we can't run away from sin or God, why we can't hide sin, why it is God whom we ought to fear and find sufficiency in, and why God has given us a community of believers to support and encourage each other as we run this rugged trail run of a race! It was comforting to be reminded that just as Christ has set us free from the clutches of death, he has the power to make us more like him.

The recent chapters which are more vivid to my mind now since I've just read them, focused on how we can support one another in changing. Here are two exerpts which sorta stuck in my mind today.

"You are guilty, but Christ has borne your guilt. You deserve God's judgment, but Christ has borne your judgment" - An accountability with a fellow brother or sister who can speak the truth in love and yet not judge or despise you but points you in the direction of Christ for the restoration of your relationship with God.

"The pious fellowship permits no one to be a sinner. So everybody must conceal his sin from himself and from the fellowship. We are not allowed to be sinners. Many Christians are unthinkably horrified when a real sinner is discovered among the righteous. So we remain alone with our sin, living in lies and hypocrisy. The fact is that we are sinners." - How true. How often do we build a barrier around ourselves as we try to put on a front especially to fellow christians for fear of the judging eyes and wagging tongues? But how are we then to change if we pretend that there's nothing wrong with us? How are we therefore recognizing our sinfulness and how truly we must repent of our sin? Can we reach out to people in our community, love them just as Christ loved us, recognizing the sin, struggle with them as they struggle with sin, and point them to the healing grace of Christ's death on the cross? Just as Tim puts it aptly in his blog, I would rather be part of a church that is "messy" with all the problems to struggle with on the up front with nothing to hide, than with a church that seems to be neat and clean on the surface but messy inside (I think it's may not just be messy... but barren coz there is just no life!)

Will you run this race with me as we go through the ups and downs of this rugged real life trail run? Will you point out the faults in me with love? Will you remind me of God's grace and love magnified in the life, death and resurrection of Christ? I want to change - because I know that I have died and my life is hidden with Christ in God. I want to be a true Christian changed by the power God. Not one who spouts meaningless/worthless words and lives a life of hypocrisy.

Help me dear God...

What is love?

You ask what is love?
A feeling, a duty, a commitment or a dove?
I cannot give you an answer
For I scarce know what love is, my living shows my answer.

A myriad explosion of the elements of love,
My feeble answer to the question on love.
Passion, heat, sparkle in the eyes;
Care, concern, gentleness, steadfastness 'til one dies;
Responsibility, forgiveness, wise actions;
Longing and sharing portions.
The list goes on...but what is love?

So I ask my Father in heaven above,
"What is love?"
"Look at my Son, in whom I delight for He has shown you great love.
Through His obedience to the cross, His blood paid to show you my grace.
His prayer for your sanctification is also a guarantee of my love and grace."

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude.
It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;
It does not rejoice at wrong-doing, but rejoices with the truth.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love - because Christ has shown you great love.
Love - because Christ's love abounds and overflows in you through the Holy Spirit.
Love - because God desires us to love Him by showing others His love.

The Fear of the Lord is Worthy to be Praised

One of the scars I have from young is that of not being pretty or beautiful... Or at least that's what I heard somebody tell me in my adolescence and what I've thought of myself in comparison to others. In one instance, it has caused me to seek to want to beautify myself or cover my flaws in various ways (no matter whether it really did make me beautiful or not). It has perhaps also caused me to seek something more - that of being beautiful inside for I've heard that what makes a person beautiful is his/her inner beauty. What has comforted and brought me through all these years is the reassurance that God loves me for who I am, He wants me to seek to be beautiful in His eyes and that He has made and is continuing to make me beautiful in His eyes because of Christ and the work of His Holy Spirit in me.

I recognise that I may never match up to many others in terms of physical beauty, effervescent character, intelligence, gift of the gap, spiritual maturity etc and have a yearning to match not only other's expectations but my idealism. This acknowledgment is painful and hits the core of many of my insecurities. I've been thinking about this lately and trying to face my idealism and priorities, and wondered as always, what makes a woman beautiful? What is it that makes someone praise-worthy in Man's and God's eyes? I recently chanced upon this sermon by John Piper titled "A woman who fears the Lord is to be praised". It was not just thought provoking, but re-aligned my focus on the role of a woman to fear God by desiring to draw near to Him.

"...Charm is deceitful, beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised..."

Proverbs 31:10-31 describes a woman who seems perfect with qualities worthy to be praised. I look at myself and wonder how one can be like that woman, for it seems impossible? John Piper drew me to the words that seemed centric to the reason why this woman ought to be praised for she "fears the Lord". This woman fears the Lord not by running away from Him but by recognising that He is Sovereign and Lord over her. By recognising that, she responds by fearing the consequences of running from Him and hence stays close to Him and His mercy. Some of the characteristics of a woman who fears the Lord are:

1. She is not anxious about the future

=> "Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come" for her trust is in the Lord.

2. She has practical wisdom
=> "She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue" because she has hope in the Lord and is not anxious about the future for "the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom".

3. She is strong morally, intellectually and physically
=> "She girds her loins with strength and makes her arms strong" for she is able to resist being envious and desiring what she shouldn't have, to want to search for knowledge and wisdom in the Lord, and have confidence and hope in the future.

4. She lives not just for herself but for others, especially her husband if she's married
=> "The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not harm all the days of her life" for she lives as if to the Lord.

5. She reaches out to those who need help
=> "She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hand to the needy" for she is able to draw near to those in need since God has drawn near to her and secured her future.

As I go down the short list, my heart falls in dismay at how I haven't been able to exemplify these characteristics of a woman who fears the Lord. It is true that these reflect how we really are before God. Have I not been anxious about many things? Have I not been careless with my tongue and yearned other knowledge and things more than the knowledge of God? Have I not been envious of others? Have I not thought of myself more than others and not been a good support? Yet, scripture reminds us to fear the Lord for that is the beginning of wisdom.

Dear God, help us to keep our eyes on you, fearing you the way you want us to. Amen.

Sometimes...

Sometimes we question the meaning of life
Sometimes we wonder why God gave us life
Sometimes we grumble at the world's failure
Sometimes we wonder if Jesus really is the saviour

Sometimes we question the meaning of life
Sometimes we crumble when things take a dive
Sometimes we stumble over obstacles along the path
Sometimes we run away when things get rough

Sometimes we question the meaning of life
Sometimes we wonder when we'll ever have a happy life
Sometimes we don't know which path to take
Sometimes we just lack the confidence it takes

Sometimes we ought to question the meaning of life
Sometimes we forget that our questions are devoid of God in our lives
Sometimes we forget the source of life and love
Sometimes we ought to remember what's important are things above

Sometimes we just need to know that our purpose and strength comes not from this world or ourselves
But all the time in and through Christ - the fountain of life in which we dwell

Untamed Tongues

We've been having a series of sermons on the book of James. I've always found James a little hard to understand in that it doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of the bible. It seems to be encouraging righteousness through works - what about righteousness by faith and through faith alone which Romans and Paul's letters seemed so vehement about? Well, I'm still trying to understand it through the context of the book... and it really isn't saying that we can be right before God by our works. Rather, I've learnt that James is actually encouraging the readers at that time who are facing trials of various kinds to count it all joy and to remain steadfast in Christ. He is also challenging the readers to check the faith they claim to have. For example in Chapter 3, some of them may aspire to be leaders but are they even displaying the characteristics of a person who's heart has been changed?

"And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell.... no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so." James 3:6-10

Harsh words indeed. You who claim to be Christian. You who aspire to be a leader. What have you been doing with your tongue? Have you been using it to praise God every single moment or have you been using it to dishonour Him with words that bring people down, stumble people etc? God doesn't want empty praises, and half of our words. Can we call Him our Lord and Father when we say things that displease Him?

While resting after a jog, I heard a guy using vulgarities with every sentence of his, like salt and pepper to flavour his speech. JX was relating over milo today how the guys in his reservice used alot of vulgarities and the others agreed that army guys use vulgarities with such poetic hilariousness that vulgarity seems to be OK and normal. Chris said that vulgarities in an email hurt him. The looseness of the tongue and the easyness in which we use our words. But are these people the only ones who are guilty of untamed tongues? I for one am guilty of using my words without thought or care to God. The word 's***' sometimes sneaks out of my mouth when I'm feeling really horrid. I 'scold' people stupid this and that at times when I relate frustrations to others. I've said hurtful words to people, even those I love. Even seemingly innocent sentences, conversations and other forms of communication have been used to bring others down and discourage people. What a bad testimony. What a hypocrite. What a sinner...

Indeed, what we say and do are reflections of the state of our hearts. Jesus said "What comes out of a person is what defiles him. For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person." Mark 7:20-23. What a bad and sad state our hearts are in! How then, can we be right and justified before the righteous and holy God when we all stumbe in many ways and James even went so far as to say that if anyone who does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man? I can't... and I suppose no one can... except Christ. He is the perfect one. He is the one who took our punishment for us and the one who is able to help us as we live in this world where it is so easy to dishonour Him. Help us Lord, to glorify you in the words we say. Spring forth from our hearts words of praise and thanksgiving for this is our desire - to please and glorify you in every area of our lives.

Another start to blogging

I've decided to start blogging again after reading encouraging blogs like footnotesfromthefongster. Over the past few months, I've been caught up with so many things and pre-occupations that my original intention of blogging has been dismissed as just another thing to take up my time. However, I would like to hopefully renew my penning of thoughts to share with others the faith, struggles, joys and thoughts that I have, as well little things which catch my interest. Welcome my anonymous reader, as you follow my accounts of the journey I take to the home called Paradise I've been promised I can look forward to. =)

Hope in God

As a deer pants for flowing streams,

so pants my soul for you, O God.

My soul thirsts for God,

for the living God.

When shall I come and appear before God?

My tears have been my food day and night,

while they say to me continually,

"Where is your God?"

These things I remember,

as I pour out my soul:

how I would go with the throng

and lead them in procession to the house of God

with glad shouts and songs of praise,

a multitude keeping festival.

Why are you cast down, O my soul,

and why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,

my salvation and my God.

My soul is cast down within me;

therefore I remember you

from the land of Jordan and of Hermon,

from Mount Mizar:

Deep calls to deep

at the roar of your waterfalls;

all your breakers and your waves

have gone over me.

By day the Lord commands his steadfast love,

and at night his song is with me,

a prayer to the God of my life.

I say to God, my rock:

"Why have you forgotten me?

Why do I go mourning

because of the oppression of the enemy?"

As with a deadly wound in my bones,

my adversaries taunt me,

while they say to me continually,

"Where is your God?"

Why are you cast down, O my soul,

and why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,

my salvation and my God.

Psalm 42

Beautiful words... Beautiful words of encouragement to continually place our hope in God, drinking like we've never been quenched from our thirst... drinking from the streams of living water... Dear God, there are many times when satan lies to me and causes me to question "Where is my God?". Help me dear Lord, to keep putting my hope in You. Dear God, I cannot deny the times when there is turmoil within me and causes my soul to be down cast and forget that You have redeemed me from being a slave to sin. Help me dear Lord, to look back at the cross where you have made me right in your sight. Help me then, to remember that if you have shown me your saving grace, you'll be able to sustain me and help me persevere in You to the day when I'll see You face to face - this hope that You've promised and will see to completion. Thank you for the words that you've given us: to remind us, draw us back to You, and put in us joyful thanksgiving for who You are and what You've done and promised. Amen.

Why oh God did you make man?
Can't you see the troubles when
Oh God they say your knowledge far surpasses all men?
See the chaos that men have made then,
The desolation a result from the rebellion of men

Where oh God are you in this time and age?
The same mess and rage
That has been from page to page.
Rich. Poor. Strong. Weak. Wise. Unwise. Who has the privilege?
All the same from age to age.

Who are you oh God when they say you are invisible?
Isn't it so much better, the things that are visible?
Or are our minds' imagination so capable
That we can envisage you with material things that are comparable?
Our needs, our wants, they're more real than you who are invisible!

What oh God, is man to You?
For You to spare the punishment to us due?
That through Your Son the sacrificial lamb we can come to You?
We have rejected You, our hearts hardened towards You
Is this mercy and grace then, that we can know You?

How oh God can it be that we are free?
When sin seems to wipe out all jubilee?
As we look around and within and ask ourselves, can it really be
That we can give You all glory?
But You oh Lord are Sovereign you ask us see.

B.A.S.I.C.

5 Flowers

POKE.

I just got myself into FACEBOOK, just for curiosity sake. Can someone please tell me what's so fascinating about this webbie with lotsa faces, pokes, scribbles, points, etc?

Anywayz, just in case you're wondering if my blog's been abandoned by moi, then well... here I am, wondering what I'm doing at this time of the night staring at my blog post and trying to recall what's happened to me the past 6 months.

..........

Did half a year really go by?

..........

What's happened to it??

..........

Okie. By this time, you're probably guessing that my brain's engine needs much oiling and I've nothing to add to this post. Ciaoz... I'll prob post something some day... when i'm not too lazy to do so. heh.

Choices

Choices

Many choices in life
That's what we strife
To be given freedom of choice
For us our thoughts to voice

Many choices in life.
To choose life or death?
To hear or to remain deaf?
To see or to remain blind?
To be loving or unkind?
To slog or to have fun?
To persevere or to run?
To love or to hate?
To fight or to leave to fate?
To speak or be mum?
To live in comfort or the slump?

What choices do we make?
What chances do we take?
Will they be a mistake?
The choice is ours to make.

Only by Grace

I've always been amazed at how the bible reveals so much of Him and of us; always hitting the very core of our human sinfulness, revealing satan's constant desire to draw us away from God, and God's character and greatness. The past few weeks of bible studies have been thought provoking and in various ways urged me to live a life that God wants me to live while waiting for His return. To be assured that He and His kingdom is triumphant and to trust and depend on Him always by putting Him first in our lives. To bring all man to Christ in faith and maturity, that He may be our God and we His children.

However, it is and has never been a joy-ride, but a slow and difficult climb as i learn how hard it is to "carry the cross". Nevermind the external factors which makes it even harder. I believe God will ask me when i meet Him face to face, what is the condition of my heart rather than who or what has caused the condition of my heart to be in such a state. Have i been a good testimony and witness for Him? I very much want my answer to be "Yes", but i can't bring myself in all honesty and sincerity to say that.. but to admit with a miserable mumble and low-hung head that "No, i haven't". This constant tugging at my heart has often made me feel what a wretched person i am. God has done so much and yet how unchanged my life is. Will an outsider see the difference, that i am changed and set apart for Him? I cannot answer that... This coupled with busyness and the convenient "my immediate boss is so immature, so predictably unpredictable, poor manager, plays on her team members' emotions, unable to let go, doesn't help us feel like a team/develop our potentials etcetc" blame-it-on-my-boss attitude has caused my spiritual well-being to take a dive and me to enter into depression with a "everything oso dun care" attitude. I really want to go into solitude or go some where far on my own. To get a breather and freshen up. I have been pushing the blame to others and i suspect a little blame on God for giving me such a tough emotional roller-coaster ride to go through. I mean the "God i think i can be a better person if only you gave me an easier life" thought that i cannot deny has flickered across my mind at times. Yet Lord, where and how can i stand before you? My heart has grown cold, my eyes have strayed, resentment and depression overshadows the path that leads me to you, instability rocks the boat of peace and trust, my ears hear more unhappy inputs that bring more unrest. I have not set my heart of faith on you whose greatness and sovereignty far surpasses all things that i know, see and hear. I have not set my eyes on the cross on which you have given me new life. I have not set my hope on the kingdom and life that you have promised me so clearly in the bible. I have not listened with ears that hear. Lord i cannot stand before you on the day of judgement for i am but a wretched sinner. Who can stand before Your Righteousness? But only by grace am i saved. Only by grace and mercy...

What kind of love is this

What kind of love is this

What kind of love is this
That gave itself for me
I am the guilty one
Yet I go free
What kind of love is this
A love I've never known
I didn't even know His name
What kind of love is this

What kind of man is this
That died in agony
He who had done no wrong
Was crucified for me
What kind of man is this
Who laid aside His throne
That I may know the love of God
What kind of man is this

By grace I have been saved
It is the gift of God
He destined me to be His son
Such is His love
No eye has ever seen
No ear has ever heard
Nor has the heart of man conceived
What kind of love is this

Bryn & Sally Haworth
Copyrigh (c) 1983 Bella Music Ltd