Outta steam

Haven't been blogging.
Haven't had the energy... or rather the drive... mood... brains... settlement of thoughts or events... watever... to blog.
Was sick. still recovering.
Dunno wat i was doing last week.
Been frequenting our experiment site for attachment and dissertation purposes for 3 days in a row, and still counting.
Met up with friends. was good despite my outta steamness.
Dunno wat i've been doing.
Sleepy.
Exhausted.
Supposed to be doing some analysis for the data collected so far. Waiting for laptop battery to be charged.
ARgh.
I shall go recharge my own 'battery'.

Laptop in the Hospital

My laptop has aged.

I've come to realize how much my laptop has aged as it grew old with me over the past 3 years. It has suffered many a scolding from me for not working the way i wanted it to work, stayed up late into the wee hours of the morning, hibernated when i concussed, and filled itself with private conversations and my personal memories...and more.

OKAY... it's not gone case yet. Thankfully.

BUT... it is in the hospital undergoing parts transplant.

Sinful food

Been indulging myself with sinful food haha... there are days when my mouth juz can't stop munching on them crisps/chips, nuts, hello panda, preserved orange peel, and others. You know the saying... when you start, you just can't stop. =P Oh well... it's yummy lah...so i'll blow the cares to the wind. Yesterday was another session of great indulgence which i cheerfully undertook. Claypot laksa: thick, creamy, full of c-o-c-o-n-u-t as my cousin's daughter would say, and spicy. Avocado juice: thick, creamy, cooling and absolutely filling. Okie not bad, i'll return for another sinful session heheh... Even though i was still digesting these two creamy stuff i had for lunch, i proceeded to have my dinner, topping it with dao-hui or beancurd for dessert. Talking about food... i'm thinking of getting some hello panda... should i? hmmmm....

Meaninglessness

I previously came up with this as an attempt at a sermonette for my trip to Thailand...decided to post it coz it is a topic tt's so often on our minds. do feel free to comment on it.

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Let us read Ecclesiastes 2:18-26 which was written by a wise teacher:

18I hated all the things I had toiled for under the sun, because I must leave them to the one who comes after me. 19And who knows whether he will be a wise man or a fool? Yet he will have control over all the work into which I have poured my effort and skill under the sun. This too is meaningless. 20So my heart began to despair over all my toilsome labor under the sun. 21For a man may do his work with wisdom, knowledge and skill, and then he must leave all he owns to someone who has not worked for it. This too is meaningless and a great misfortune. 22What does a man get for all the toil and anxious striving with which he labors under the sun? 23All his days his work is pain and grief; even at night his mind does not rest. This too is meaningless. 24A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, 25for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment? 26To the man who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness, but to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.

Message

Have you ever wondered why we work, eat, or sleep? Why do we play and have fun? What is the meaning of life when all we do is live a life between birth and death?

For some of us, our lives are endless cycles like the rising and setting of the sun. When life cycles are mentioned, some of us may think of our next lives and the next, next life. Or picture a farmer waking up at dawn (when the sun rises), has his breakfast, goes out to the field to work the land, has his lunch, resumes his work, goes home at dusk (sunset) for his dinner and sleeps. The next day, he starts all over again. Life can be tiring when there is no end and no purpose/meaning.

But what if there is some meaning, so we say, even if it is only a little meaning to life? The farmer’s purpose is to feed himself and his family. Even my grandmother’s life seemed to have meaning in it which was to provide for her children. From childbearing to breastfeeding to spoon-feeding; and from clothing them to giving them away in marriage, my grandmother’s daily work revolved around/focused on her children. Do these then bring meaning to our life? What meaning will all these bring to us when we die in the end, for indeed all of us will die? Why do we labor and sweat so much for a life that will end in death? At the end of it all, it is just things that are temporary. In fact, our possessions will go to others, and our children will leave home. As verse 18 rightly puts it, 18I hated all the things I had toiled for under the sun, because I must leave them to the one who comes after me. No. There is no meaning even in these things.

The teacher seemed to understand our thoughts and feelings of despair, describing his own feelings of despair in verses 18 and 20. (18I hated all the things I had toiled for under the sun; 20So my heart began to despair over all my toilsome labor under the sun.) Why indeed, do we do what we are doing when we cannot enjoy the product or fruit of our work/labor forever? When what we have sweated and labored for will be passed on to somebody who did not sweat and labor for it? This is enforced in 19And who knows whether he will be a wise man or a fool? Yet he will have control over all the work into which I have poured my effort and skill under the sun. and 21For a man may do his work with wisdom, knowledge and skill, and then he must leave all he owns to someone who has not worked for it. In fact, it makes us who have placed so much hope and energy into these things, very unhappy and at a loss. 21This too is meaningless and a great misfortune.

Therefore, meaningfulness is not a matter of how wise we are in doing our work, how smart we are such as in our studies, or how skillful we are such as our very skillful hand work in making furniture. The furniture will go to the people who buy them, and the money we earn will be worthless to us when we die.

Meaningfulness is also not a matter of how much we work and rest. Whether we work or sleep, labor or play, there is no difference. Just as verse 23 says 23All his days his work is pain and grief; even at night his mind does not rest.

Then what is it? What is there in all our work for us? Surely, there must be something, a reason for what we do! Yes! You are right! There is a reason for and meaning to what we do. Let us think for a while what this reason might be… No? No answer? Well, let us read again: 18all the things I had toiled for under the sun, 19effort and skill under the sun, 20all my toilsome labor under the sun, and lastly, 22all the toil and anxious striving with which he labors under the sun. What is common in all these verses? That what we work for ‘under the sun’ will be difficult and meaningless. What does it mean by ‘under the sun’? It means anything that we can see and observe in this world. If we do anything in this world and in our lives without knowing why then it is a meaningless activity. But the teacher says that God gives us an answer to our search for meaning in what we do. God is over and above everything and he puts meaning in it, that we may enjoy what God has given us! Verse 24 writes: 24A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, 25for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment?

For to work, eat, sleep and play, and all the other things of living are actually good. What makes them bitter, toilsome, and without meaning is us wanting to get more out of it than we should and can. We place all our hopes and meaning of life in these things that we forget that they are only things God gave us to enjoy His presence and what He had made. Just like the tools and parts that a car maker uses to make a car so that we can enjoy the car, so too our work, food and rest are tools and parts God gave us to enjoy the bigger picture – Him and His creation.

With God in our lives, we will also not be worried or despair over things that will not last. If we change the way we look at things in life by putting our hope in God and being with Him forever, then we will enjoy what God has given us. In addition, He will give us wisdom, knowledge and happiness as we see in verse 26, to enjoy these things that He has given us. However, if we do not change, and still think that what we do or work for will make us contented/satisfied or give ourselves credit for these things, then we will end up toiling and working so hard for nothing. As the wise teacher wrote in verse 26, 26but to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.

In response, let us ask God to be our purpose in life, so that we would not find all things meaningless. Let us put our hope in God, enjoying His presence and what He has given us. Let us thank Him for giving us something that will last forever instead of something that will not last, ‘a chasing after the wind’ – and that something that will last is a life with Him forever/an eternal life with God.

Meaninglessness or meaningfulness? One must choose...

Holiness

From Hudson Taylor's biography, where John McCarthy quoted from Christ is All - "The Lord Jesus received is holiness begun; the Lord Jesus cherished is holiness advancing; the Lord Jesus counted upon as never absent would be holiness complete."

"This (grace of faith) is the chain which binds the soul to Christ, and makes the Saviour and the sinner one... A channel is now formed by which Christ's fulness plenteously flows down. The barren branch becomes a portion of the fruitful stem... One life reigns throughout the whole."

Is that her?

Aajaan Mon Tha...

Heard her voice over an online news radio for Thailand today, searching for her dog Nam Waan... I was excited to hear her voice, yet... i was sad...sad that Nam Waan is lost. (Bessie our host missionary who was in Singapore for 2 weeks, had told us that Nam Waan was lost a few days ago.)

I think she misses her Nam Waan. Her companion. Yet, she still places her trust in Phra Jaaw (God). Can't fully understand what they were talking about except bits and pieces here and there... still... i'm quite sure it is her searching for Nam Waan. Is she also using this opportunity to share God's love? I wanna know what they're talking about in full! sigh...

Hope she finds Nam Waan safe and sound...

Music to His ears

We were impressed by this drum set. The drum, together with a few pairs of pieces of wood, were made and played with exuberance and such joy by the members of one of the churches we went to in Thailand. So what if we don't have "proper" instruments? God gave us gifts to give him praise and honour. He gave us voices to sing, words to express, rhythm (no matter whether it's only 2 beats or off-beat etc), gave us creativity and resourcefulness, and a heart of thanksgiving. May it all be music pleasing to Him...

Thailand delicacies

Fat, round, long, small, large, black, yellow, brown, off-white... take your pick. They're cooked, crispy and things you hardly find in Singapore as a snack. Need sauce to complement the taste? Sure... How much? 10-20 baht.

Aah... well... our dear leader Delia was super onz about us trying it. But we didn't in the end. =P Maybe next time bah. haha... Anywayz, little Hannah our host missionary's daughter recommended the long, off-white, worm-like one.

Updates on MEETHAI

From an email sent out, here's an extremely summarized update of my trip to Thailand =)

General items:

It was a good trip... ate lots of fruits and was very memorable. Our team grew closer, and we got to know Alan, Bessie and Hannah, our hosts who made our stay most pleasant and homely, and Tammy their dog.

Ministry:

Our main ministry there was teaching English at 3 schools. However, high up on the agenda was MEETINGS - prayer meetings, cell group meetings, leadership meetings, missionary prayer meetings and ad hoc meetings. So it is very much of "building up the Church" ministry. As for sharing the gospel and testimony, it was done during church services, meetings, whilst teaching, and to people we met. So, we learned that it can be done anytime, anywhere, to different groups of people.

Most useful tool:

Alan's car. The amount of time we spent on the road (tarmac, concrete and/or dirt) and through stretches of less accessible places made us grateful for the car and being able to squeeze into it!

Most common sights:

Small towns, vast stretches of agriculture fields, dots of wooden-zinc 'open-air' houses, dogs, temples, altars, spirit houses and urns, and pictures of royalty along the streets and in every household.

THE PEOPLE

Missionaries & Full-time workers:

Aajaan Mon tha - A local, a full-time worker and has a cute dog named Naam Waan whom she often leaves at Alan's, has become dear to us as we see her very often. Her home is also used as Salok Bat Church.

WEC missionaries - Laura, Stephen, Danny, Corni, Alan, etc. They've been in Thailand for quite a number of years and many of them are going on "fellow", some kind of break. They seek to work with the believers and prepare/train the believers to study the God's Word, bring people to Christ and less dependent on the missionaries.

Believers - Mostly women... and they wonder: Where have all the MEN gone?? Most are not highly educated, work in the fields, sell things in the daalad (market), or are house-helpers. Passionate, hospitable people, they worship the Lord in the most unique of ways. Even though one church doesn't have instruments, that doesn't stop them from singing praises unto Him! (They made their own instruments)
However, one concern is whether they really know the Lord. Many of the new believers are not regular attenders too.

Wit Lai - leader of a church, young and knows a bit of English. Works in the field for 5 days. When we went to her cell group on 2 occasions, the only people attending apart from us were her father and 4/5 year old half-sister. She was discouraged. Reasons given: No transport/late at night, not feeling well, just not going... very familiar reasons.

Teachers and students - Students ranged from primary school to secondary school, some even 19 years old! Really enjoyed trying to communicate with them after the lessons, though it's quite difficult understanding each other. Not sure how much of the gospel message they understood... but am encouraged that believers heard of Jesus Christ since young so it's like seeds being planted... The teachers also heard, one was even interested...

Prayer:

1) Thank God for the work there, the workers and the believers.
2) Thank God for the local leaders eg Aajaan Mon tha and Wit laai He has raised up.
3) Pray for the hearts of those who've heard the gospel, that they'll come to accept Christ as their personal Lord and Saviour.
4) Pray that the believers will be able, willing and bold in sharing the gospel and doing follow-ups.
5) Pray that Wit Laai will not feel discouraged but find strength and encouragement in Him.
6) Pray for more male believers and that they'll be more active in service as well.
7) Pray for wisdom and sensitivity of the leaders and missionaries as they have to handle quite alot of "people problems".
8) Pray for sincere love amongst the people coz Thais are "polite" and may not show their true feelings.
10) Thank God for safety of the team.

The crying...continued.

She was indeed pregnant... but what i heard happened was that she was possessed. hmmm... this reminds me of how i was scared of being possessed by some evil spirit. I think i stressed myself out by thinking about that. Couldn't do anything about that fear. Tried seeking comfort from my family, being in the midst of lotsa people, switching on all the lights, playing music, switching my brain to "don't think about it" mode... but well, it still didn't help. I was still super scared. And it isn't a good feeling... to be helpless, sleepless, and totally preoccupied by this fear that had become possessive in itself.

What's most devastating then, is being so fearful and trying to be in control of my life, mind and situation. Where is God then? Where have i placed Him in all my emotions? As a back up i suppose... when all else fails...

Yes, indeed when all else fails, i know that He doesn't fail... if only we put our trust in Him. For it wasn't until i learnt that God is the most powerful, with Jesus Christ being the living example of how the evil spirits feared him and how he's had victory over them and death, that i started to put my trust in God regarding this matter. Whatever my fears, i tell it to him... and he comforts me.

Just like this time, when i encountered such an incident, i was erm actually fearful... until he reminded me of his love, and to have faith in Him...

Tis me of little faith...

Blood curdling cry

Oh dear, oh dear... was in school early at 0815... all was well til a loud, uncontrollable cry made me jump out of my seat on the bench. i packed my bag, and tried to find the source of the crying. i found it when i saw a no. of pple gathered around a place upstairs. the lady/girl was crying non-stop. she sounded in real pain. how, how, how?? should i go up and look too? i paced up and down. i went on a detour, trying to get a closer look. but i couldn't...the crying only got louder and louder. i didn't dare go any closer. argh. i'm such a scaredy-cat. as i listened, her crying sounded a little breathless, hmmm is she giving birth or something??? i pray n hope it is the reason... hmmm but then my friend who came in later said she didn't see any ambulance/hear anybody crying... is she okie already?

near or far, the problem still exists

Finally... went out to do a survey! Out of the comfy chair n air-conditioning and into a windy-dust and noise-filled environment...knocking on doors... it's an experience!

Why? coz No. 1, do you know how much dust you are breathing into your lungs?! One lady said our lungs must be as black as anything with all ze particles trapped inside eww... No. 2, you get to meet interesting people. Yes, I do miss Thailand and the people but we do get to meet all kinds of people right here in Singapore too. I'll just give one example which is utmost in my mind right now.

knock knock knock... down the block we went... and then we came to this flat. Someone was vacuuming the floor. I could hardly hear myself above the loud roaring of the traffic and vacuum cleaner. Just inside the door was an altar with some kind of picture and incense and some other things. Two wooden masks hung on the wall at the sides, and a wooden statue of a man with a spear along with toys and a porcelain cat stood at the foot of the altar. My friend and I rang the doorbell and finally, the vacuum cleaner stopped. A grim looking man, topless with tattoos of the picture mentioned above, came out, opened the grille door and beckoned with his hands for us to enter. My friend and I looked at each other. Seemed like there was no choice... my friend, a guy, entered and sat on the sofa looking apprehensive. We decided that i shouldn't go in so i erm gave a weak excuse that i'm going to knock on other doors. =P So i hid away from the door peeping in at times =P My other friends later joined me outside. And boy, did we wait! That man talked with my friend for about an hour! There are details I think it not wise to add in here but anyway my friend later came down with a Lee Kuan Yew biography and told us that that man's actually okie and quite nice (apologising for scaring me), but very wary of salesmen/women even going to extent of chasing them all the way out of the block. He also showed my friend the extremely close proximity of the block to the road and the difficulty in counting the number of vehicles passing in a minute. He also said he kept child spirits hence the altar, toys and the tattoos. He was praying during the visit, and i heard the ringing of a bell. He had 2 adopted daughters who left him after graduation.

Sigh... I knew it would be something like this, seeing from the altar. As i was standing outside, i was thinking of my friend and the man inside. Of the altar. I couldn't help but think the man is a devote spirit worshipper and there being a stronghold in that house. But I remembered that God is the greatest, the sovereign one. He is more powerful than any other thing. I started singing quietly "He is the King of kings... the Lord of lords...", "Joy is the flag flown high..." , "my God is so big..." hmm now that I've typed it down, I realise that these are some of the songs i held dear as a child. Not knowing what to do, standing there, i prayed that he too will come to know the Lord...

Now, i remember something i wrote in the morning: that one of the things I learned in Thailand is that God's grace extends to all nations, all people.

So too, this man.

BORED

Sigh i'm real bored... staring at ze journals all day long trying to squeeze something outta them juz makes my eyes squeeze shut too. Really miss the people and environment of Salok bat... and my team mates and host missionaries too. sigh... as i stare at my journals i wonder... if only i'm there in the midst of all the goings on! Then again, since i'm back here missing a whole week's worth in Thailand, i should be making full use of my time yar...okoie i'll go back to my readings til the clock strikes and my head pounds and my stomach growls.

Anywayz, shall try to post things about the trip soon. just feeling soo lazy to do anything with the computer... one of the good things about the trip is i learnt not to depend too much on the comp! heheh... okiez. laterz.

Beautiful day

Went to East Coast Park today with my 5 friends from my MEET team. It was a beautiful day especially in the morning. =) As we had our time of reflection, 3 things came to mind... and so i'll try to record the adventure of the coconut, the wave breaker, and the sand.

The Coconut

Float...float...float... in the vast body of water, there it was floating away.

It started from where i sat and the last i saw of it, it had migrated all the way to the other side of the wave breaker. Just floating away... was amazed at how it could keep afloat amidst the turmoil of the water. Wondered if we can keep afloat in our own times of turmoil, trials and difficulty... Then... zap! A thought came to mind why not? Just as God created the coconut with the ability to float, He has given us things like faith and the Word that will help us keep afloat!

The wave breaker

Crash! Swirl... Crash! Swirl... Crash! Swirl...

Endless waves beating against the rock. Chipping away the weaker parts, creating a shape out of the rock. Question came to mind: are we constantly being molded and shaped as the parts to be chipped away are chipped through the many things in our life? As i stared at the swirling waves, i got alittle scared that i'll fall in haha... and even doubted the stability of the rock! What if the core is weak and falls apart as i sit and stare? bleah. i'll be islanded. So too, our exterior may be tough and sturdy, but are our core and foundation sturdy and stable too?

The Sand

Had fun... and relief... drawing and writing pictures and words... of emotions, concerns and things that come to mind with a smooth slim and flat stone good for sketching in the sand... and letting the waves wash them away... leaving a clean sketchboard. Walked along the beach and as i looked back, I saw my footprints in the sand washed away. It reminded me of how He has washed me clean with his blood, and lifted my burdens.

Thoughts in d wee hours

Been spending these 2 days out/at home with my mom.

Was good just hanging out.

I know she and my dad are worried for my safety as I go on a trip to Thailand next tuesday. It will be one of the few times I'm away without them for such a long time. What's more, the recent spate of events and reports does not make Thailand a very safe place... However, they still are letting me go... not because they don't have a say, not because they are confident nothing will happen to me... but because they trust that God is sovereign... It is a difficult thing... especially for my mom... but I thank the good Lord that she has come to accept and trust... perhaps opening up to her about what i'm doing helped.

As some of you know, i'll be going to Northern Thailand with 5 other friends as part of a Missions, Education, and Exposure Training programme that i've been in for the past 8-9 mths. It's been an experience i'll never forget. Times of low, anguish, anger, confusion, lostness... many times i felt like giving up. However, thankfully God showed me the times of joy, love, encouragement, learning, learning and learning... showing me more of Him, more of me. He helped me persevere... even when i'm tired, weak and helpless. I was busy. But He helped me through.

Now, through this last lap of preparation, many things have yet to be finalised and packed. Our hearts... are also in chaos i think... yeah... if we've gotten all prepared...have our hearts been prepared and ready for the trip? I dunno... but I'm thankful for the prayers... and I trust... though faltering at times, that God will protect our hearts... and He will see all things that work for His good, through.

It's early in the morning, and all's quiet... i'm sleepy... and i'm typing pretty spontaneously. =P

Oh yeah... never expected that in all these, i've to find out more about Singapore too... of which i'm too tired to read the details about thaipusam, vesak etc etc... shall try to squeeze in some time for that heh

Lizards

They have 4 legs with pad-like toes.

They scale walls.

They flicker their long slim tongues.

Most of those that we see are beige and a little translucent.

They are the lizards!!!!

Funny creatures, them lizzies...

They can be found in the most unexpected places.

They are swift in entering doors...

But leaving... is another matter all together =P

Past experiences with them:

1) Smashed on the door frame where the hinges are. bleah. 2 together???? ooph!

2) Had to chase 1 outta d fridge sigh n the cleaning up...

3) Staring contest in the bathroom hmphz terrible. I lost!

4) Their wriggly tails representing them...

Juliana from my course once related a story on her adventure with a lizard... and she sounded real excited, capturing its every movement..til it jumped off the wall. =P I can't remember the name she gave it though.

Have you heard the sound it makes? When all's quiet and cool... hear the sound of the lizard and you know... you've got company. =)

Music to my ears

Had the privilege of sitting around
Whilst the world outside goes round
So engrossed was I
In the TV box world lie
That I was oblivious
To the rain that had come and gone...obvious
Of course... to the birds
Who've come out in search
Of worms, fruits and tummy filling food

Tired from all the eye exercise
I turned my eyes
Instead to the world outside
And boy, were the birds right!
The greens, the wet road, the smell of fresh air
It should have long ago brought me outta my sofa chair

As I listen to the chirpings and songs so cheerful and bright
I was reminded afresh of yesternight
Of songs sung by the people of Mien
Beautiful voices echoing their love and gratitude for this one man
A God who found them first
And saved them from the curse
Though we spoke different languages
We were the same in that we all had God's love in us

Which made me think
Of all the languages in the world more than memory brings
So many...
So so many!
And just from one specie
What about the others in nature's beauty?
If I'm gifted in speaking in tongues
Then I want to speak in the many tongues
Of people with these beautiful words
So our love can reach them too with His Word

The creeper  

The creeper

Had quite a bad day yesterday...

Woke up feeling in need of sleep...

Had a growing headache...

Really moody on the whole =P

Felt bad being moody.

Think i did badly for my 2 papers.

Really down...
and shouldn't be posting any blogs right now...

But then, thought i'll just share a quick one on what happened at the end of the day...

Felt better after pouring my self-centered woes to God haha terrible.

But what really struck me and quietened me was what i read in my fav book.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus...whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things...

Indeed, my heart and mind have been guarded from many a frail thought.

Despair.

Self-pity.

And much more.

I have been strengthened. comforted. lifted from the depths. Today, i remembered my life. Today, i am thankful. Thankful for seeing me through all my life, through good and bad times. He has been holding my hands and not let them go... even when i wasn't aware of it!

At the end of my life, i wanna say that i have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

I am like the creeper which i saw the other day, clinging on to my life support from whom i can climb to see the light.

Be comforted.

a ray of light?