Estimated cost of this week

i seemed to be pretty busy this week with high project time cost.
what was the rate of output? hmm difficult to calculate. perhaps some molehills were crossed.

had quite a high percentage wastage, variation cost, and unexpected profits along the way.

to obtain help from pple, one must play the waiting game. to wait patiently... and wait... and wait. yawnz... oooh and must still have the up-beat smile and appreciation. tt's the rule of the game. i was reminded of it this week. don't give up! perseverance pays!???

restful nightly sleep... but why do i still go into deep naps (short but deep) in d middle of the day? i think i did that at least 3 times this week. =P

loong project hours... r we on the right track?

our group got shot down during tutorial. sigh... one must always not be demoralised. are we really that incompetent? does one have to 'de-sensitivise' so as to come out stronger rather than melt in d heat? is there such a thing as being moulded - stronger, better, and retaining the feeling? know wat i mean?

during the wait, got to talk to a friend a little more... it was good... was quite excited tt i could share a little of my faith and thoughts coz my friend's a non-christian and it's always exciting when they ask without me initiating... yes? hehehe... though hmm i seemed stuck for 'godly advice' again. it's as though my brain has this cabinet with a particular theme but in it is a jumbled mess and it is futile to search last min. i must ponder over it more with the Word. profit or loss?

another friend asked me whether i must go to church every week... hmm wow... but hardly got to elaborate. next time bah...

projects... can bring out the best and the worst in you... people watch. people listen. people form opinions. what will we be in their eyes? when working styles clash/unhappiness arise, where do you stand? when people become fed-up and complaint, what do you say? or do you keep quiet? will you join in? when competition arises, will you only look out for your group's interest?

"But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen and protect you from the evil one. We have confidence in the Lord that you are doing and will continue to do the things we command. May the Lord direct your hearts into God's love and Christ's perseverance" (2 Thessalonians 3:3-5)

doubting d.

a non-christian friend recently asked me if i'm going for any camps or what during the recent 4-day break. i laughed and asked if i always seem to be going for camps and stuff - underlying meaning between the 2 of us was 'christian stuff'. yeah well... heh i always seem to be busy with 'christian stuff'... perhaps my nc friends have been thinking either that i'm erm very uh-hmm religious or crazy being so busy doing things other than studying, projects, bgr, etc etc... i dare not say i'm religious partly coz it somehow implies that i'm working towards being right with God which i can never be except for His grace and mercy, and mostly coz well... i'm not hhaha... i can be eeevil as those who've seen that side of me will testify, and if doing lotsa christian stuff = religious, then i'm far short of that haha... as those who know how i refuse rather stubbornly (coz i dun wanna do it coz of pressure and etc) to do many things will nod their heads to. sigh... =P

and yes. sometimes i think i'm crazy doing things other than wat those in sch would be doing... and no... i'm not an alien! i do lotsa stupid things tt i regret but well argh tt's not the point. i'm really incoherent today.

but really, y do we do all that we do when everything will end one day? manz... it can be awfully bleak when u think abt it. slogging... straining... loving... hurting... etc n then it's over as though whatever ever happened was nothing. i would like to think (no please... don't shut ur heart...) that there's this hope of living eternally in d most awesome of place, with like-minded pple, with d most majestic person - d I AM... becoz of what I AM had done for us.

hmm if i'm really so onz/committed/passionate abt the faith i so profess, then... why don't i actively initiate communication abt God, sin, love, salvation, etc? why do i lack the courage or if i do have d courage i doubt what i've said, and its impact on pple? i've heard many times abt the various ways to share the gospel, why we should, and even been part of various activities/events/groups which aim to do tt. but still, how often do i talk about d gospel, what role God has played in my life, and brought nc to church? truth is, God has already provided me with lotsa knowledge and opportunities to share the gospel. more importantly, He has provided me with Himself. but many times i doubt my capability and credibility - juz like Moses who was reluctant to do what God wanted him to do (exodus 3-4). i fret that not only wat i say is not good enough/convincing/impactful, but tt my listener will reject me and worse - God. sigh... i also wonder when is the 'best time' but well, anytime is a good time... i guess... if i look out for it... hmm or will i say as Moses said, "O Lord, please send someone else to do it."? please Lord, forgive my doubting self, forgive me for doubting You...

will i trust that God will help me speak and teach me what to say?

will i trust in Him who has been given all authority in heaven and on earth? will i go share d gospel?

He said, "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." (matthew 28: 20)

weight lifter

what are we burdened with?

1. work/studies
2. responsibilities
3. bag, books, laptop!!! (i'm like a turtle groaning from d load and building up muscles and strain =P)
4. guilt?
5. i'm sure there are more... can't think of them right now though...

haiz... seems like life is such a burden. are we hunch-backs from all the weight we carry around? y do we have burdens? for moulding? as punishment? to make us attuned to reality? juz becoz and we've to accept it?

life... tiring? i wanna be... free from this burden or at least have someone who can share my load. yet i also want to be hmmm independent. hahah i'm a confused person. =S

reminded of a song i'm sorry i can't remember who's d author or what's d copyright if there still is... it's called:

He will carry you... and it goes something like this (with some parts left out heh):

there is no problem too big... he cannot solve it...

there is no sorrow too deep... he cannot soothe it...

if he carried the weight of the world upon his shoulder

i know my bro/sis that he'll carry you

He said, 'come to me all who are weary and i will give you rest'

Thanks =)

Amazing... realised there are some invisible readers of my blog haha... thanks for being interested in sharing this walk with me. BIG SMILE for all of u =D haha but i'm still getting used to pple tokking to me outta no where abt wat i posted hehe.. i'll be like huh...hmmmm.... oooooohhhh... yeah yeah... heheh... so don't get me wrong if i react abit slowly or don't tok much about it in response to what you say heh...

Rose Apple aka Jambu

Rose Apples aka Jambu. Lovely deep blushing red or pale green with a pear shape. White wax like flesh that's juicy sweet. Crunchy to the bite. Lovely...

Was cutting some of them today, looking forward to eating, when i happened to chance upon some rotten cores. Such a pity. 2 out of 3 lovely looking jambus were rotten inside. they had formed a round ball in the centre, with holes, some of the holes extending to the other parts of the flesh. brownish black small ant-size and likeness stuff formed part of the ball with some of these even embedded in the other parts of the flesh. i dunno y, but i always seem to stumble upon such stuff. white little slimy crawlies squirming in a nice looking banana... rotten cored big red sweet juicy apple... a number of times too. i shall spare u the details. but well, i've formed a habit of analyzing my fruits before i eat haha... and today i took quite a pleasure in analysing my new found rotten cores. until i started to get itchy all over that is. =P hmmm funny thing is, i analyse and look for the rotten stuff in my fruits... but most times, i dun really dare analyse the rotten stuff in me. juz like my msn nick was 'see within. wat filth.', i assume that most of us are the same... not wanting to analyse ourselves too much. when i start looking at all the rot in me, i start to quiver and wonder if this is really me... and shake myself with a startle. then i'm back into my nice little rosy picture of life and shutting out the filth within. oopz juz realised it's quite ironic, shutting out the filth within. =P how do we shut out something that's within unless we acknowledge it and do something about it? hmmmm rose apple indeed. anyway i ate 1 of the 3 that i cut. heh. and it was juicy. =)

Mid-autumn at rooftop

hmm the moon wasn't bright and round yesterday. the sky was cloudy so most of the moon was covered. but that didn't dampen our spirits =)

rainy rainy day...hello!

i shall do abit of blogging heee...

yeah actually it's quite weird tt we blog for everyone to read when we used to keep diaries under lock and key... eh actually guess wat's blogged is not d deepest deepest stuff for alot of pple? or juz want to let pple noe wat's happening in our lives? or? hmm oh wasn't my point in this post haha

it's a rainy rainy day todaay! the sky was dark. the temperature low. the wind blew. the rain poured. thunder roared. lightning flashed. AND i couldn't hear myself and others in the engine canteen as we ate. hmphz super bad acoustics... of all places in the ENGINE canteen. i "huhhhh"ed a zillion times. okie i'm exaggerating but yeah... bad acoustics.

met duong at the canteen and he joined us for dinner! how nice! heh i better jot down the 5 vietnamese words i learnt from him before i forget. chao baan - hello you (general). chao an - hello older male. chao am - hello younger male/female. chao jing - hello older female. sigh i forgot the 5th word supposed to be byebye. sigh. i think i remembered the words correctly =P

new girl eileen joined us today. =) hmm i'm always so worried tt people will be put off by the late meeting/apologetic for it being late. y?? guess coz i think it's quite late too hahahah... or hmm i'm letting the timing affect rather than trusting God to convict their hearts to come despite the late meetings? :S

how much of me do u know? how much of u do i know?

Fruity FRuity

yay... THANK GOD!!! yeap really wonderful that He brought 6 international friends tonight - Ei, Toe, Duong, Nhan, Shu yue, Lijing.

we were waiting til around 9 pm and there weren't any of them in sight. but at 9 plus they started turning up! wow... and they're juz soo cute. so bubbly and easy to make friends with. Thank the good Lord!

hmm i'm feeling really fruity rite now with the durians, duku... cikgu? still can't tell =P, pomelo, jambu, pineapple... a weird mix no doubt. pray that we don't get stomach ache. =/

now... where do we go from here? *hmm my comp seems to be swaying again. isit my eyes or is the comp/table really swaying?* oh i was saying, yeah how are we gonna go from here? God please grant us wisdom, love and strength. =)

i had half a humongous vegetarian bao for dinner before the fruits. then i was hungry at 12:00 am and ate mooncake. *huge sigh* how to sleep now?? hmm glad i'm gonna have a workout tomorrow... oh no... more aches!

btw... i chose this colour coz it reminds me of the durian heheh

fruit supper party

it's fruit supper party tml! we've invited the international students in engineering and school of design and environment to come join us for this party. how many international students will come? how many cfers will come? are the fruits enough? will the mix of fruits be bad for the stomach? will they be comfortable and eager to mix and make friends? will acquaintances become friendships? will it last? will some accept Him one day?

lotsa questions. lotsa expectations. it's in His hands now. prepare our hearts.

hmmm Mavis my friend, you are right. i am bo liao today. =/ replying to emails which don't really need me to reply etc etc.

quite sian of the stuff that i'm doing that's all heh.

okie dokie shan't be bo liao anymore...

ka-boom!!

sunday - my dad's car had a clang, trang, clang sound for a while... then it disappeared. the car seemed fine after that ... but wat was that sound??

today - took a lift from dad to school and on our way, there was a sudden KA-BOOOMM!!!!!!!!! i literally jumped from my seat manz... my dad and i were like... errrrmmm wat was that?! no dragging of car ... everything seemed fine... and when my dad checked, it was alright. hmmm what happened? maybe it was the car behind us coz it slowed down. hope its alright. but gosh... it was real loud =P

thank God we're okie and everything seems fine

Contentment

Juz some thoughts whilst reading a book...

Why do we always long for something more?

- When we have little, we worry it is not enough... when we have much, we still want more.
- The other side is always greener.
- Others are always getting better things, a better life.

We're not happy with where we are, not happy with who we are, not happy with people.
When will it end? Will we ever be satisfied, contented?

Will we be thankful for what we have, and be joyful when true contentment comes our way? Or will we be blind to that one thing which satisfies our thirst for more?

Content-ment. Content... contents...? having things inside? being filled? hmmm not sure...

Found an interesting definition of Contentment in dictionary.com:

contentment

a state of mind in which one's desires are confined to his lot whatever it may
be (1 Tim. 6:6; 2 Cor. 9:8). It is opposed to envy (James 3:16), avarice (Heb.
13:5), ambition (Prov. 13:10), anxiety (Matt. 6:25, 34), and repining (1 Cor.
10:10). It arises from the inward disposition, and is the offspring of
humility, and of an intelligent consideration of the rectitude and benignity of
divine providence (Ps. 96:1, 2; 145), the greatness of the divine promises (2
Pet. 1:4), and our own unworthiness (Gen. 32:10); as well as from the view the
gospel opens up to us of rest and peace hereafter (Rom. 5:2).

Source: Easton's 1897 Bible Dictionary

friends

how much can one take?

how true can friendships be?

how long does it last?

how many do we need?

i really love making friends... isn't it good to know more people instead of cutting people off from my circle of friends? i really like to find out what makes people tick... and to see the different personalities and background at work...

however, as i get to meet more people, and my circle of friends widen, it feels kinda sad, taxing, even hypocritical coz of failure more often than not to meet the demands of time and energy required to keep a friendship going. who do i spend more time with? what do i do with them? so i try to know more people, but form deeper relationships with some.... allocate my meeting time... and try to be available whenever possible. but for me, it'll never seem enough. it seems biase. or perhaps, i think it may seem hypocritical to those who know me only at surface level. sigh... but i know i've limits... and what about other areas such as family, studies, activities? haiz... how Lord? what shall i do?

i juz wanna

i juz wanna shout to the Lord...
singing praises unto Him
no matter whether i'm up or down
i juz noe He's there for me and i can run...run...run...to Him

i juz wanna sing with thanksgiving
for being so forgiving
of all that i've done past and present
and i noe that He loves me coz he suffered...died...rose...for me

i juz wanna hide in His presence
taking refuge when it storms
as He calls us who are weary, come!
for i noe that i'll never thirst as i drink...drink...drink...from Him

Long day

it's monday... and i'm having the blues... well not really... at first...

i had a short, short day of school today. =) 9-10am lecture/tutorial which included short movie clips which was fun! and that's all i had today. really short hehh...

but i was in school til nearly 10pm coz of our first contact group meeting... the waiting part was long... but it was okie in the end and a well worth wait coz it was a great time of catching up with people and getting to know the new ones =) it's really wonderful seeing them new faces so bright, eager and expectant. heh... and i enjoyed the time of sharing and getting to know how alot of us really are natural introverts though the word introvert was banned towards the end =P oh well... we do have our quiet moments and yet are able to rise up to the occasion. heh. anyway, i do hope the rest will be able to make it for future meetings and that the numbers won't dwindle. it's a great start to a new sem so ooh God, continue to guide the cg in growing in love and knowledge of Him together?

i can't think very well now coz of this dullness of mind coming from a tempting lure of sleep so yeah... anyway was thinking my pointing fingers post was pretty harsh... is it? okie i think i better go zzz... really not functioning optimally... nitez... another long day tml... k really really nitez...

Pointing fingers

the ice breaker during this week's bible study was what are the common problems often found in the news?

wars. violence. corruption. poverty. environmental degradation. family breakups.

what do people have to say? who do people blame? what about you? who/what do you say is the cause of problems the world faces?

on a smaller scale closer to home?

back-stabbing. cutting people off from groups. smoking. drunkedness. debts. unhappiness. etc.

who do you blame? do you agree with any of the following answers?

i'll blame... others.

they've a problem and they are the cause of the problems so please don't come give me more problems coz you'll make my life miserable...

others are doing it, so why can't i do it? i need to protect my own interest and besides, one more person doing it doesn't make a difference. ie tradegy of the commons

it's all the government's fault. everything.

it's in the genes. we can't help it.

it's just a bad day.

man.

God. if there is a God, why doesn't he stop all these bad things? if he made the world, why is it in such a mess?

oh well... the list doesn't stop huh? and more often than not, we love to point fingers at everyone...but ourselves. if what the bible says is true, that sin (rejection of God's authority and sovereignty over the world and us, and hence the consequences we see all around us) came into the world through the disobedience of Adam and Eve, well then, it's them we should blame! don't you think so? they started it and made us suffer for it! hmphz. but then... if we were them, will we do the same?

well, then GOd made man ya noe... so it must be his fault then. who asked him to make us able to disobey and do evil? who asked him to place the serpent and the devil to let us be tempted to do bad? who asked him to place the tree to tempt us? who asked him? not us. i wanna be good. i wanna be absolutely faultless. i wanna be puuurfect. i wanna have the freedom to choose and know that i'll make the right choice. not like adam. hmmm eh. if i was given the freedom to choose, but was programmed to make the right choice then where's the freedom in that?

but i guess... at the end of the day, we're juz missing the point. we're pointing aimlessly, desperately, at everywhere but ourselves. we refuse to point to our own defiance, and dismissal of God's sovereignty and rule over our lives and the world. we refuse to point to the heart of the matter, that we're sinners. we refuse to point to Jesus Christ as the answer and solution to our problem. hmm sigh... sometimes i wonder... can i juz keep my fingers to myself and not point anywhere? sigh... but that's a refusal to acknowledge the problems that are present hor? so complicated... or is it?

testing the boundary

after many weeks of sleeping early(most days 12midnight-1am), and waking up early (7am), i'm now back to my usual 2am zzz time. sigh... and it's getting more and more difficult getting up at 7am haiz... my alarm forms part of my dreams until the reality sinks in 45 minutes later... and thus begins yet another morning 'workout'. no time to slowly have breakfast and morning readings... no time to have a leisurely walk to the bus stop and class... juz a good morning workout. i'm testing the boundaries... how fast can i get to school? then the morning traffic congestion never fails to intrigue me... when will the traffic move? when will it stop? how will drivers and passengers react?

i'm testing the boundary... how much can i slack and get work done and sleep early? ah well... this boundary shouldn't be tested... it's a vicious cycle i say. slack...work...sleep late... wake up late... slack coz of effects of sleeping and waking up late... work... sleep late...ah... no go no go! i better keep within the boundary when workload piles up. =P

i'm testing the boundary... how much things can i get done in between? well... quite alot i say... but that's if i don't get stuck on msn and taking long time at emails. but well... this boundary is still being tested.

now i'm testing how much i can withstand before it's meal time again...

Marriage

hmmm wat's it abt marriage? marriage, dating, relationships... have been on people's lips. i think it's quite cool tt pple are open about it, and it's a totally new dimension i've come across ever. people around me are starting to get married, or engaged, or in some form of long term relationship. and it's marvellous seeing them with stars in their eyes and making a step towards commitment. =) this is so, even whilst marriages are breaking down and many are getting disillusioned about love and marriage. =P

wat's it then, that makes them attached, committed, and finally married? i suppose it's love(wat's love?), interests, trust, interdependence, etcetc... or is it coz there's an emptiness tt's to be filled? or coz everyone's getting attached? or coz of desires? or loneliness? i guess, there are many factors bah...

but when pple my age or younger are getting married, it feels real weird. not tt i'm not happy for them, i am, i really am! but it makes me think: wow! i'm not tt old am i? i feel like a child with many things to learn and explore... to be married now at my age? wow... i can't even imagine myself being a wife and a mother now. =P okie maybe, but well it's real weird all the same. who's d person i would want to spend d rest of my life with? wow... serious... it's a terrifying thought. how do you know that he's the one who'll spend d rest of his life with ya, building ya up in d meantime? *shrug* dunno.

tt's y i think it's pretty cool and strange at the same time if it can ever be so, tt my church's talking about marriage, dating/singlehood, family etc in recent sermons and bible studies. =) can u imagine? d bible even has stuff about marriage and finding a partner! wow... singlehood or marriage? wise or unwise? are juz some of d questions raised. =)

so wat now? haha... i'm still exploring oopz... and trying to mold myself more like my Lord bah... hard manz... real hard.

The poor hamster

I think i'll be a terrible hamster owner. heh. reason being? let ya noe soon.

had a rare, splendid, long evening nap and one of my dreams was about a hamster.

i had this hamster, and i kept it in a handbag or something. i took it out at times to pat and then put it back into the bag. and then! i suddenly remembered (in my dream) that i hadn't fed it or given it water to drink for days! and it was getting stiff (dunno y coz it wasn't dead in my dream) so i quickly grabbed some container and filled it with water for my hamster to drink and "liven up". so it drank and drank... then! it started to urinate! argh! and its urine was spilling over the table and into its drink! in my panicky state, i carried it and it started shooting urine all over the place! eeyucks. totally disgusting. it woke me from my slumber... maybe i woke up coz i couldn't handle the situation anymore, from almost starving and depriving it of water, to it not being toilet trained. =P

lunch time

it's lunch time now and i'm super duper full. again. with veg bee hoon with curry veg and toufoo, finished with thick kiwi juice which i've yet to finish. somehow, it's a combination which will make one's stomach stretch and say enough!

*sip*

it's the last week of hols before the sch term starts with all the projs and tests and watnots. but whilst everyone's flurrying trying to get things done or prepare for wat's to come, i feel as though school's started 10 weeks ago. =) and it's a pretty good feeling hahah... being in the groove of things and all. erhmm tt's wat i think now lah. *sip* for this sem i'm gonna have dissertation which is 8 modular credits, professional practice (construction) and total building performance as core modules. spent the most points on an engineering module: global environmental issues. heh i spent like 617 bidding points for it manz! it better be worth it haah... or rather i better make good use of it! =P *sip*

the past few days have been spent staring at the comp for long hours trying to analyze data collected on the dust concentration and temp and humidity. cheemalogy? it's juz analyzing how much air pollution we're breathing in and the effect of the temp and humidity on it. it's pretty disgusting thinking abt wat gets into our system and how it never gets out! so graphs, figures, excel, notepad, copying, pasting, extracting etcetc are now part of my ordinary life. *sip*

some how, i've been thinking abt something that was said at one of the sermons. we ask: "LORD do you LOVE ME?" we demand: "LORD show ME you LOVE ME!" but HE says: I have LOVED YOU... but have YOU loved me? *sip* (aaah... finished my kiwi juice and i'm feeling sooooo contented)I know He loves me. Though i'm in the depths of despair, though i may sink and fall, though rough storms brew and i often don't understand the things that come my way, i know. i just know He loves me. and i trust that he'll love me and keep me to the end. But...but... i cannot answer... i cannot answer his question... have i loved Him? i can simply say yes i do. but then... how? how have i loved Him? *long pause* through words? are words that come out of my mouth purely lip service and words said off the cuff through years of teaching and textbook ans like? do i love Him enough then to proclaim with words His love and wat He has done to the pple around me? i think many times, words like these just won't come out, especially when i'm outnumbered and the parties seem so sure and certain abt wat they're saying. how about actions? ahh... i'm involved in christian activities, i try to be as good as possible, i try erm try to read the bible everyday, i try to be nice. hmmmm but if i'm to die for my fren and enemy like wat Jesus did for me, hmmm i'll think twice. no thrice. no many times. ooh yes! i can serve lotsa pple just as He asked me to! heh... but honestly? i dun do it cheerfully and other-pple-centredly all the time. =P *blush* so yeah... words and actions are out. thoughts? hmmm welllll He seems to be an intimate part of my life, my thoughts... but i guess... many times other things seem to crowd Him out of the picture. people relationships, work, self, tv, fun, etc are juz some of things that are often in my mind. yes, He does have an influence on the things i do and the decisions i make. but how often i juz shut Him out becoz it's juz so inconvenient! ahhhhhh can't think of anything else tt i might be loving Him in. but no... He wants all of me! argh. are you sure Lord? can i juz give you erm 20% of my life and leave the rest for me? u know i love u...right? so u dun need so much of me to know that.... right? i need myself for myself, my frens, my recognition, my success, my ... anyway i need at least 80%. sheesh... but i know you want 100%. how can?! i'm human, i fall, i sin, i want more! i guess... i think... i feel... i know... i cannot love you like you've loved me. but if you want my love to you Lord, help me... help me to love you... may every breath tt i take, every moment of my life, be one of love for YOu. Help me Lord.