reflections

heyz... i love the time when i can juz sit back and reflect on what's happening especially when things get too chaotic and i get too exhausted to think. =) amongst what i've been thinking about are studies, work, material things, and yes... life's purpose.

it is pretty weird coming to a break in my studies and exams for now, after being in an academic environment for more than 16 years. what is it like to finally enter the working world as a permanent salary earning errrmmm adult? will i be able to accustom myself to working in an environment filled with people of diverse backgrounds, backstabbing where competition and insecurities heat up, and lotsa Over Time? will i be able to perform for what i'm paid to do? will i bend according to the wind or will i remain firmly rooted and upright? will i throw in the towel before i even give myself and the job a worthy try? these are just some questions i've been silently musing over, and yet trying to shove under the carpet for fear it sounds pure pessimistic and stumbling before i even start work. yesh. i'm starting work on the 12th of june 2006. my first permanent job. heh and i am quite excited and mixed about the whole thing... how does one describe the feelings and thoughts that fleet by in moments of insecurity, uncertainty, and yet joy and anticipation like a little girl looking forward to a promised adventure just around the corner?

it is not just about work. it is about how i'm gonna walk from here... i'm worried about my walk with God in terms of being influenced by the attitudes and ways of the working world, and whether i've the time, energy and heart to do quiet time and serve... i.e. whether God will be in the centre of my life. you know, people ask what is my plan and what dreams and aspirations do i have? and what can i say? i'm in a dilemma for part of me wants to think and do according to the world by working and upgrading in terms of professionalism and further studies and perhaps further down the road when i'm old and grey to do little things like learning more skills and setting up an inn with home cooked stuff hahaha... perhaps. the other part of me wonders whether those plans are my own selfish desires and if He is at the centre of it all... the driving force behind them... i'm ashamed to say that more often than not, He isn't. haiz... where have those thoughts and desires to do something as a lifelong mission for Him who has given me life gone? be it going to a foreign land or right here, can i and will i live in obedience and worship? there are juz so many things i've failed in, things i cannot do and things i'm struggling with... but Lord, i hope and pray that i'll be able listen with my ears and watch/see with my eyes for whatever you've placed in my path... and help me trust in you. sigh... it is soooo difficult!!!!! argh.