doubting d.

a non-christian friend recently asked me if i'm going for any camps or what during the recent 4-day break. i laughed and asked if i always seem to be going for camps and stuff - underlying meaning between the 2 of us was 'christian stuff'. yeah well... heh i always seem to be busy with 'christian stuff'... perhaps my nc friends have been thinking either that i'm erm very uh-hmm religious or crazy being so busy doing things other than studying, projects, bgr, etc etc... i dare not say i'm religious partly coz it somehow implies that i'm working towards being right with God which i can never be except for His grace and mercy, and mostly coz well... i'm not hhaha... i can be eeevil as those who've seen that side of me will testify, and if doing lotsa christian stuff = religious, then i'm far short of that haha... as those who know how i refuse rather stubbornly (coz i dun wanna do it coz of pressure and etc) to do many things will nod their heads to. sigh... =P

and yes. sometimes i think i'm crazy doing things other than wat those in sch would be doing... and no... i'm not an alien! i do lotsa stupid things tt i regret but well argh tt's not the point. i'm really incoherent today.

but really, y do we do all that we do when everything will end one day? manz... it can be awfully bleak when u think abt it. slogging... straining... loving... hurting... etc n then it's over as though whatever ever happened was nothing. i would like to think (no please... don't shut ur heart...) that there's this hope of living eternally in d most awesome of place, with like-minded pple, with d most majestic person - d I AM... becoz of what I AM had done for us.

hmm if i'm really so onz/committed/passionate abt the faith i so profess, then... why don't i actively initiate communication abt God, sin, love, salvation, etc? why do i lack the courage or if i do have d courage i doubt what i've said, and its impact on pple? i've heard many times abt the various ways to share the gospel, why we should, and even been part of various activities/events/groups which aim to do tt. but still, how often do i talk about d gospel, what role God has played in my life, and brought nc to church? truth is, God has already provided me with lotsa knowledge and opportunities to share the gospel. more importantly, He has provided me with Himself. but many times i doubt my capability and credibility - juz like Moses who was reluctant to do what God wanted him to do (exodus 3-4). i fret that not only wat i say is not good enough/convincing/impactful, but tt my listener will reject me and worse - God. sigh... i also wonder when is the 'best time' but well, anytime is a good time... i guess... if i look out for it... hmm or will i say as Moses said, "O Lord, please send someone else to do it."? please Lord, forgive my doubting self, forgive me for doubting You...

will i trust that God will help me speak and teach me what to say?

will i trust in Him who has been given all authority in heaven and on earth? will i go share d gospel?

He said, "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." (matthew 28: 20)